Category Archives: Funny

Google Voice Transcription #2

Here’s another Google Voice transcription gem

Hey Brian, This is done. Sincerely stardom hit the 6th. It doesn’t seem right now that the fixtures wereconfused you when you 6 6 is take a lot 5 that 7 minutes 9 at six. When you get the black screen foralright. 3045 seconds and so or 7 done. And then we could use it and then. It doesn’t make sense andoff so gimme a call. Thanks. Bye.

I should probably break this one down and respond accordingly:

Hey Brian, This is done.
Thank you.  Please place it on my desk or park it in my driveway.

Sincerely stardom hit the 6th.
That is bad news.  Please keep your horse off the golf course.  It is not a polo field.

It doesn’t seem right now that the fixtures were confused you when you 6
Indeed.  That was a fragile and confusing age for me.  Thank you for understanding.

6 is take a lot 5 that 7 minutes 9 at six.
Yes, math is hard, but I still expect you to be at work at carry the 2 minus the hour 7 seven.

When you get the black screen for alright.
I also prefer that to the blue screen.  I’ll pass the compliment on to the rest of the IT staff.

3045 seconds and so or 7 done.
Yes, RENT was my favorite musical, too. Wicked is right up there, but there’s something about the way they were just able to freeze time with those number lyrics. Magical.

And then we could use it and then.
Just let me know when it’s done and when

It doesn’t make sense and off so gimme a call
To further proliferate, the request has made too the many, therefore, and which is which. Dial giraffe.

Thanks. Bye.
And just what the heck is that supposed to mean?

Google Voice soup kitchen bus

Google Voice Transcription #1

I switched my voicemail provider to Google Voice a while back to try the transcription service.  I’m never going back.  Here’s my most recent voicemail.

Good evening everyone. This is your friendly neighborhood soup kitchen. So I’m calling to tell you thatit’s still raining outside, tomorrow. The buses of the district will be traveling as normal. But due to theexcessive amounts of rain, our drivers. I’ve been informed use extreme caution in the areas. We Are,Flooding is, but any of that busses cannot travel the road safely to pick up your child is normal.Please note that been informed not tourist the safety of all. If you have concerns about your childgetting to school. Please call your child’s respect to the school. And we will speak to you at that pointin time. Have a safe evening. We had a good weekend. Thank you.

This was a very informative message. Up until this point, I had no idea that:

  1. We had a neighborhood soup kitchen
  2. They can predict the weather, presumably with the help of a time machine based on the verb tenses
  3. They provide a bus service
  4. They are philosophers (“We are, Flooding is”)
  5. They don’t like to drive on the roads
  6. My child is normal
  7. The busses pick up children AND tourists
  8. If I call my child’s respect on the phone, the soup kitchen will answer
  9. But it’s all good, because they had a good weekend.

Distractions

One of my favorite author-bloggers, Kelly Barnhill recently wrote a great post about the antics of her son and his friends entitled If those boys would stand still for five minutes, they’d write a damn good novel.  Based on their conversations, I think I’d get along handsomely with these young men:  “Okay, fine. We all speak fluent Wolf.”  “Toe jam is just the nice way of saying toe poop. No one likes to believe that their toes can poop, but they do all the time.“  “We have to stop Dr. Nimblenuts and his atomic EXPLODING ANTS!”  If I could only capture that kind of wild creativity in my own writing!

But it wasn’t so much the boys’ dialogue that struck me as much as Kelly’s summary question, “What’s distracting you from your writing today?”  My answer came quickly, as I’ve been in a distractible state lately.  Like Kelly, I have been enjoying the distractions, so I’m reluctant to move on and do the work that I know I need to do.  I have the goal of writing a sample sitcom script, and I’ve been “researching.”  I’ve read how-to books and articles, watched (too?) many sitcom episodes for inspiration, listened to several hours of Ben Blacker’s Nerdist Writers Panel podcast, downloaded script writing software, read scripts from Community, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation – everything but write my own sitcom script.  All of these activities are important and justifiable, but they’re all ancillary, and it’s time for me to buck up, face my fears, and start writing that script!

I’ll close with the same question Kelly asked, but slightly broader.  What’s distracting you from your goals today?  What excuses are you making to yourself?  Are you stuck in preparation mode, afraid to take the next steps?

Funny Friday: Top 10 Funny Things – Feb 1 2013

Ten things that I found funny this week.

1.  It’s a trap!

It's a Trap!

2.  From a friend, context irrelevant

If I hadn’t been stuffing my face with nachos, I would have been more emotional.

3.  From my uncle on Facebook

Quote of the day- “Ask a college student what they’ll be doing after graduating and they’ll tell you they don’t know. Ask them what they’ll do at the zombie apocalypse and they’ll tell you immediately and in great detail.” – a Montana Tech student.

4.  Sunbathing robots

Sunbathing Robots

5.  A four year old dance student to her teacher

Student:  “Why’d you bring beer in here?”
Teacher:  “What?  It’s not beer.  It’s Diet Mountain Dew.”
Student:  “I know what beer looks like, and that’s BEER!”

6.  I’m a sucker for Key and Peel skits lately.

7.  Baby + treadmill

Baby and treadmill

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  I very much want to test this theory

glock-minnows

9.  I’ve been working my way through Community, and found the physical comedy of this hilarious.

10.  Not necessarily funny, but a fantastic article by Tom Ceraulo, writer for the very funny “30 Rock” about the final days of the show.

Behind The Scenes At The Final Days Of “30 Rock”

 

Brian and Stormtrooper

Funny Friday: Top 10 Funny Things of the Week

Here are the top 10 things that struck me as funny this week, in no particular order

1.  Yep.  They’re exactly the same

Amsterdam is like the Tour de France. Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

2.  The mental picture this creates is beautiful

Will you hold my hair while I eat this KFC Bowl

Will you hold my hair while I eat this KFC Bowl

 

 

 

 

3. Trust Fall Fail, wrong of passage

4.  Mitch Hedberg with a great visual

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

5.  Key And Peele on dubstep

6.  Community La Biblioteca Spanish Rap

7.  Anonymous friend

I have to work really hard at not being smart.

8.  Patron at local coffee shop

Patron: Give me your most unhealthy, most powerful drink!  
Barista: How about an espresso or a latte?
Patron: Oh, no.  I can’t handle that kind of stuff.  Just give me a regular coffee.

9.   Love the comparison here

Ray Nagin's 21 corruption charges aren't that bad.  Like most things that are 21 in New Orleans, it's probably only 18.

10.  The “Sparks Nevada, Marshall On Mars” segment on the Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast

The Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast is my favorite comedy podcast recently.  I especially like the “Sparks Nevada” segment.  It’s got that old-timey radio feel with a touch of modern smarminess.  Warning:  You may swerve from laughter if listening while driving.

Sparks Nevada, Marshall On Mars

There you go.  I plan on making this a weekly feature on this blog, so stay tuned for more.  What did you find funny this week?  Please share!