Tag Archives: humor

Google Voice Transcription #2

Here’s another Google Voice transcription gem

Hey Brian, This is done. Sincerely stardom hit the 6th. It doesn’t seem right now that the fixtures wereconfused you when you 6 6 is take a lot 5 that 7 minutes 9 at six. When you get the black screen foralright. 3045 seconds and so or 7 done. And then we could use it and then. It doesn’t make sense andoff so gimme a call. Thanks. Bye.

I should probably break this one down and respond accordingly:

Hey Brian, This is done.
Thank you.  Please place it on my desk or park it in my driveway.

Sincerely stardom hit the 6th.
That is bad news.  Please keep your horse off the golf course.  It is not a polo field.

It doesn’t seem right now that the fixtures were confused you when you 6
Indeed.  That was a fragile and confusing age for me.  Thank you for understanding.

6 is take a lot 5 that 7 minutes 9 at six.
Yes, math is hard, but I still expect you to be at work at carry the 2 minus the hour 7 seven.

When you get the black screen for alright.
I also prefer that to the blue screen.  I’ll pass the compliment on to the rest of the IT staff.

3045 seconds and so or 7 done.
Yes, RENT was my favorite musical, too. Wicked is right up there, but there’s something about the way they were just able to freeze time with those number lyrics. Magical.

And then we could use it and then.
Just let me know when it’s done and when

It doesn’t make sense and off so gimme a call
To further proliferate, the request has made too the many, therefore, and which is which. Dial giraffe.

Thanks. Bye.
And just what the heck is that supposed to mean?

Google Voice soup kitchen bus

Google Voice Transcription #1

I switched my voicemail provider to Google Voice a while back to try the transcription service.  I’m never going back.  Here’s my most recent voicemail.

Good evening everyone. This is your friendly neighborhood soup kitchen. So I’m calling to tell you thatit’s still raining outside, tomorrow. The buses of the district will be traveling as normal. But due to theexcessive amounts of rain, our drivers. I’ve been informed use extreme caution in the areas. We Are,Flooding is, but any of that busses cannot travel the road safely to pick up your child is normal.Please note that been informed not tourist the safety of all. If you have concerns about your childgetting to school. Please call your child’s respect to the school. And we will speak to you at that pointin time. Have a safe evening. We had a good weekend. Thank you.

This was a very informative message. Up until this point, I had no idea that:

  1. We had a neighborhood soup kitchen
  2. They can predict the weather, presumably with the help of a time machine based on the verb tenses
  3. They provide a bus service
  4. They are philosophers (“We are, Flooding is”)
  5. They don’t like to drive on the roads
  6. My child is normal
  7. The busses pick up children AND tourists
  8. If I call my child’s respect on the phone, the soup kitchen will answer
  9. But it’s all good, because they had a good weekend.

Funny Friday: Top 10 Funny Things – Feb 1 2013

Ten things that I found funny this week.

1.  It’s a trap!

It's a Trap!

2.  From a friend, context irrelevant

If I hadn’t been stuffing my face with nachos, I would have been more emotional.

3.  From my uncle on Facebook

Quote of the day- “Ask a college student what they’ll be doing after graduating and they’ll tell you they don’t know. Ask them what they’ll do at the zombie apocalypse and they’ll tell you immediately and in great detail.” – a Montana Tech student.

4.  Sunbathing robots

Sunbathing Robots

5.  A four year old dance student to her teacher

Student:  “Why’d you bring beer in here?”
Teacher:  “What?  It’s not beer.  It’s Diet Mountain Dew.”
Student:  “I know what beer looks like, and that’s BEER!”

6.  I’m a sucker for Key and Peel skits lately.

7.  Baby + treadmill

Baby and treadmill

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  I very much want to test this theory

glock-minnows

9.  I’ve been working my way through Community, and found the physical comedy of this hilarious.

10.  Not necessarily funny, but a fantastic article by Tom Ceraulo, writer for the very funny “30 Rock” about the final days of the show.

Behind The Scenes At The Final Days Of “30 Rock”

 

Brian and Stormtrooper

Funny Friday: Top 10 Funny Things of the Week

Here are the top 10 things that struck me as funny this week, in no particular order

1.  Yep.  They’re exactly the same

Amsterdam is like the Tour de France. Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

2.  The mental picture this creates is beautiful

Will you hold my hair while I eat this KFC Bowl

Will you hold my hair while I eat this KFC Bowl

 

 

 

 

3. Trust Fall Fail, wrong of passage

4.  Mitch Hedberg with a great visual

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

5.  Key And Peele on dubstep

6.  Community La Biblioteca Spanish Rap

7.  Anonymous friend

I have to work really hard at not being smart.

8.  Patron at local coffee shop

Patron: Give me your most unhealthy, most powerful drink!  
Barista: How about an espresso or a latte?
Patron: Oh, no.  I can’t handle that kind of stuff.  Just give me a regular coffee.

9.   Love the comparison here

Ray Nagin's 21 corruption charges aren't that bad.  Like most things that are 21 in New Orleans, it's probably only 18.

10.  The “Sparks Nevada, Marshall On Mars” segment on the Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast

The Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast is my favorite comedy podcast recently.  I especially like the “Sparks Nevada” segment.  It’s got that old-timey radio feel with a touch of modern smarminess.  Warning:  You may swerve from laughter if listening while driving.

Sparks Nevada, Marshall On Mars

There you go.  I plan on making this a weekly feature on this blog, so stay tuned for more.  What did you find funny this week?  Please share!

 

Brian and Stormtrooper

Sitcom writing – What I’m up to

I started roughing out some ideas for sitcoms yesterday.  That felt really good.  I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately for inspiration, and have especially enjoyed the Nerdist Writer’s Panel with Ben Blacker where writers of popular TV Shows (and sometimes websites, magazines, etc.) sit down and talk about the writing and production process.  It’s been very fascinating and inspirational to me.  It takes some of the mystery out of entertainment writing, and reinforces for me that successful writers are real people with the same kinds of fears and frustrations that I have.

Sitcom writing really appeals to me.  It incorporates most of the elements of what I am looking for in a new career, and would be a constant challenge that would keep me fresh.  I’d love to hear from readers who’ve had any experience with broadcast television writing.  Even if you weren’t the writer, have you met or known any?  Maybe worked on a set?  Have you done a pitch or written a spec script?  Maybe you submitted something and got rejected?  I’d love to hear any of those stories.

Oh, and other podcasts that I’ve enjoyed recently, for your listening pleasure:  The Pod F TompkastThe Dead Authors Podcast, The Thrilling Adventure Hour, The Truth, and Comedy Bang Bang.  Enjoy!

Brian and Stormtrooper

Career Ideas and Next Steps

I’ve established that I’m no longer content with an Information Technology career.  I suppose it’s possible that a shift in attitude, maybe some utopian working environment, or being surrounded by the right people might change my mind, but I’m fairly certain my next “thing” will be in a completely different field.  So, if not IT, then what?  Here are some possibile career ideas I’m considering.  I haven’t landed on anything yet – just have some ideas floating around in my head.  Forgive me if the categories aren’t consistent.  I’m just brainstorming here.

Oh, and before I get to the list, there’s another big factor I sometimes forget about:  people and relationships.  I need to have both in order to thrive.  I can only work so long in isolation.  I sometimes dream of creative careers that are largely void of human interaction like writing novels in some picturesque hideaway in the woods, but I know I wouldn’t last long in such conditions.  I burn out quickly when I’m shut off from people.  If I’m writing something or brainstorming new ideas, I usually try to find a public place like a coffee shop, just so I can have an occasional conversation between stints of heavy concentration.  This paragraph is really more for my own good, so that when I go back and re-read this, I’ll remember this about me.  So, with this out of the way, here are some new paths I’m considering.

Writing

I do enjoy writing, but could I really make a career out of it?  Do I have the dedication necessary to become one of the successful ones?  I think whatever I do for my next gig, writing will definitely be part of it – either professionally, or as an outlet.  I’ve read about people that are able to make very decent livings from blogging.  I love the idea of the freedom that would come with such a career:  working whenever and wherever I want, being my own boss, maybe traveling with my family while I work, but I do realize that these success stories take time, and only a very small percentage of bloggers ever get to this point.  I know it’s possible, and that’s exciting to me.  Getting there would be tough, but I’m fairly certain I could do it if I put my mind to it.  I might also consider copywriting, depending on the situation.  I’d LOVE to write comedy sketches or sitcom material for a living – I’ll talk more about that, below.  A friend recently suggested writing screenplays.  That’d be a hoot, but I know that market’s super saturated and I don’t think I know the right people yet.

Social Media / Marketing / Advertising

I think I’ve got the right combination of creative and analytical skills to fit somewhere into this. Social media work seems like a really natural fit, as I enjoy the fluid conversations that this advertising medium elicits, and the near-instant measurable results from social media efforts can be very rewarding.  Ideally, if I were to work in this field, I’d love to work as an independent consultant, managing the social media marketing efforts of several small to mid-sized companies.  Again, I don’t have much on my résumé that indicates that I’m qualified to do such work, but I know I have the aptitude.

Humor

Like writing, I want to utilize my sense of humor in any new direction I take.  And by that, I don’t just mean to maintain a sense of humor alongside of my work. I want to make humor a central characteristic of the work I do.  I love making people smile, helping them lift their eyes up out the muck of the hardness of life, bringing levity to otherwise tough situations.  It’s not just a childish game to play on the side.  Laughter is a reflection of the joy for which we were all created.  It eases tensions, breaks down communication barriers, and can help in the process of restoring relationships.  Humor is a part of who we were meant to be, and I take great pleasure in reminding people of this.

I’m currently involved in some comedy sketch writing with a friend, which has been very rewarding.  I dream of being on the writing staff of SNL, Conan O’Brien, or possibly a sitcom.  I don’t know that this is realistic to do with a family, but I think I would be good in that kind of role.  I’m also planning on taking some improv classes in the next month or two.  I’m not sure where that will lead, but I expect it will at the very least help increase my confidence, inspire any writing I do, and encourage me to take more risks in everyday life.  Comedy is just part of who I am.  I’m just now beginning to embrace this and explore possible outcomes, and I’m very excited about the possibilities.

Professional Brainstormer

Can one make a career out of brainstorming?  Because I love to brainstorm.  Is there such a thing as a professional idea-comer-upper?  I think I could do that.  My mind is always “outside of the box.”  Lock me in a room with a group of co-workers, task us with nothing more than listing a bunch of great ideas for eight hours, and I’m a happy man. Does this job exist?

Acting

I’m keeping this one in my back pocket as something I think I could do, but don’t really have much experience with it.  I’m hoping to explore some of my potential here as I take the improv classes.  Maybe voice acting, occasional commercials, or something like that.  Honestly, I’m not sure I have what it takes to act professionally, but it interests me, so I list it here.

Music

I’ve flirted with music as a career since college, but I’ve never put in the time to make a serious go at it.  I play drums in a couple of bands, and have just enough skills to not embarrass myself while singing at the local acoustic coffee house open mic night.  Perhaps something in concert promotion, band management, or even songwriting could work.  I have a feeling that making my musical hobby a career could suck the fun out of it, but I do still think about the possibilities.

I have several more ideas of some possible next steps.  These are just what’s sticking out to me right now as I write.  My biggest concern right now is figuring out how to make a transition.  I’ve waited for years for something to just fall in my lap, and I think I’m now ready to take some proactive steps to make something happen.  I’m just not sure what those steps are.

I’d love to get some feedback from others who’ve successfully made the transition into a new career.  What’d it take for you?  Who or what motivated you to stick with it?  Or maybe you tried and failed – I’d love to hear those stories, too.  What did you learn?  What would you do differently next time?  I’m especially interested in hearing from people with families.  I know, for instance, many people are able to somehow take time off of full-time work and go back to school while raising a family.  How the heck is that even possible?

I really do hope that writing out my thoughts here is helpful to others.  Maybe my words will encourage you to get off your duff and take some first steps.  Maybe you’ll just take comfort knowing that someone else is going through what you’re going through.

Thanks for reading.  Please leave a comment, below.

Brian and Stormtrooper

Flossing, valleys, and beheading snakes – making the transition to a creative career

One night last week, I flossed my teeth.  And that’s when I knew that things were about to change.  Stick with me, it’ll make sense in a bit.

We all understand about valleys and mountains in life.  Some of us are better at managing our time in the valleys, while others might need reminders that the valley isn’t permanent, and that there are roads that lead to higher ground.  For the last year or two, I’ve been in a bit of a valley.  I’ve known all my life that I’m capable of greatness, but I’ve struggled with the execution, the discipline, the hard work needed to rise up and do something truly great.  I’m most comfortable in the valley, where there’s less chance for failure, and where falling down doesn’t hurt as much, as I’m already pretty close to the ground.  That’s not to say I haven’t had some success, and achieved some level of greatness in many areas in my life.  It’s just that many (maybe most?) of these successes have come fairly easily to me.  I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I stopped working hard, stopped pursuing excellence, and settled for the mediocre.  It’s a comfortable, yet miserable existence.  I was made for better than this, and I know it.

So, I’m in this valley.  I feel stuck.  I’m 40 as of October 2012, and my résumé seems to indicate that I’m a fairly competent Information Technology professional, though I have no real passion for it.  I’m thankful to be working and providing for my family, but there are many other things I’d rather being doing as a career.  I sort of fell into this track back in the late 90’s, and really enjoyed it for the first several years.  I learned what made computers tick, solved difficult technical problems, and impressed others with my knowledge.  Then, at some point, the honeymoon was over, and I realized that I wanted out.  I wanted a career that made more use of the creative side of my brain before it atrophied.  BUT, I was the sole bread-winner in a family of six, and I didn’t want my wife or kids to worry about food or shelter while I “found myself,” so I stuck it out, tried to make the best of it.  I stayed in the same position at a small liberal arts college in rural Southern Illinois for over 10 years.  I really liked the people there, but grew less and less fond of the work I was doing.

Finally, I decided to take a risk and started looking for a new position in St. Louis (an hour commute each way).  Although I’d resigned myself to continuing on in a technical role, I thought that perhaps a change of scenery would help me.  Of course, it didn’t.  I mean, there were certainly bright spots, like getting to work in the marketing office for an upstart toy company, sharing offices and other resources with Build-A-Bear.  There, I had some great opportunities to exercise the creative side of my brain from time to time:  regular brainstorming sessions, occasional creative writing projects, sitting in on design walk-throughs for virtual world game development, but I was still in a largely technical role.  I worked in two other roles in St. Louis before returning to work for a local company in town as an IT Manager.

This valley is made up of more than just career woes.  I start things and don’t finish them.  I had an amazing opportunity to do some writing for a travel website this summer.  I wrote a couple of articles, and had 2-3 more assignments to go before I just stopped.  I got scared of failure or something, and just stopped responding to the editor.  I leave projects untouched all over our house.  Simple stuff, like changing out a light fixture in the bathroom to slightly bigger projects like leaving a hallway half painted for two years.  I get overwhelmed, and rather than do just a little something to attack a problem, I give in to fear or apathy, and find the path of least resistance.

Back to flossing.  I was standing in front of the mirror, evaluating myself.  What had I become?  Would I always be like this?  Was escape from the mundane even possible for me?  Did I deserve to ask such questions?  Shouldn’t I just be content with what I have and stop complaining?  I mean, there are plenty of people around me who are struggling to find ANY kind gainful employment, and I’m whining about some perceived lack of pleasure for eight hours of my blessed life.  I concluded that I could at least try to change direction.  I could chose to work hard.  I could take baby steps.  I could stop giving up and conceding.  I could begin to crawl out of this valley of OH MY GOSH IT’S PROBABLY BEEN A YEAR SINCE I FLOSSED MY TEETH WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU BRIAN!!!

So, I flossed.  It was something.  It was a small step, yes, but I felt like Neville Longbottom flying through the air and slashing the head off Voldemort’s snake.  Plaque and apathy be damned, I’m climbing back up out of this stupid valley.